Moment with Will

The summer is almost upon us. I can’t wait. I have so much to do this summer it is unbelievable. I have three weddings to attend, paint the shed, finish the upstairs bathroom… The list goes on and on. Where do you find the time?

I know how we find the time this year. It’s simple, don’t go anywhere this summer. Stay the fuck home. Gas is will soon be well over four dollars a gallon.

This economist named Dan Dorfman thinks gas could be somewhere between $7 and $10 in the next three years. Of course, he is speculating based on a theory that crude oil will be $200 a barrel in just those short three years.

Can you believe that this is happening? Like I said stay in your houses. Don’t go anywhere and eat as much as you can while you are at home. You got to get fattened up for the winter. Heating Oil is also quite elevated in price as well. I have an 1100 square foot home and I’m close to using 800 gallons of oil even with this year’s mild winter.

The good news is that some may say that the rise in gas prices could decrease obesity in America. Think about it, lazy Americans can’t afford the trips to restaurants or fast food stores and establishments can’t be profitable by delivering their hot, out the bag, goodness. It is such a mess for the obese American, me being one of them.

So let’s think about the options. Alternative fuel? More public transportation? Carpooling? Telework? Maybe the government should have all the unemployed and disabled people buck up for some gas money. What do we do?

Someone should invent a water powered car or one of those Mr. Fusion like devices from Back to the Future Part II. I don’t know. I’m not smart enough to figure that out.

All I know is that I’m going to get fat this winter so I can stay warm in the winter.

In roughly two weeks, Grand Theft Auto IV will be hitting shelves. I cannot wait to bust-a-cap on the first next-generation version of the ever popular game. I’m sure my wife will be thrilled to find out about the upcoming release of GTA IV. She was especially excited when Halo 3 hit.

Of course, the game will be surrounded by scrutiny from the parents who think the game is too violent and not appropriate for their innocent child. My suggestion to all those parents is to do some fucking research about the products your children want. I would guess that most parents would not allow their children to watch R rated movies.

Parents should have absolutely no reason to complain about the mature nature of video games when they no clue about what their children are asking for. Let’s be honest, if I asked my parents to buy me a video game in this day in age, they would have no idea what they were buying. In fact, I can remember my parents rushing out to the store the day before Christmas because they realized they bought wrong toy or gadget that I wanted for Christmas.

I’m willing to bet that most parents understand movie ratings and that is the reason why video games now have ratings. Read the box! The game is intended for mature audiences like me.

Let’s just hope that some parents have learned a lesson in product knowledge from the last Grand Theft Auto mishap that exposed gamers to sex laden mini game that was hidden by the game developers until some hackers discovered it. Oops.

The bottom line is simple, I want to be able to purchase the game before it is temporarily removed from shelves so the developers can water down the mature nature of the game.

Ever notice how fun it is to combine the word “man” into another word.  If you combine the word “man” into fantastic, we get the word “mantastic”.  The word “mantastic” is simple to define.  Mantastic is used to describe someone or something that is the epitome of manliness.  For example, when asked about my awesome beard, my response is “Yes I know my beard is mantastic.”

Another man word is “man-camel”.  Urban Dictionary defines it being tight pants that reveal a man’s genitalia.  I refer to them as nut huggers but man-camel is fun too.

You are all probably wondering where this post is going.  Well, I thought I would define my favorite new buzz word, “manttractive”.  Manttractive?  Yes, manttractive

Let your imagination run for a bit before you get to the definition.

This word naturally applies to men, of course.  Men who are reading, have you ever been the victim of mistaken preference?  You know what I mean.  You go to a bar or nightclub, you are having a good time, dancing and shit.  The next thing you know another man is giving you butterfly kisses from a far.  That’s manttractive.  Ever wear cologne and another man at work says “mmmm, that cologne smells nice, what is it?”  Tell him Manttractive.  Got it, good?  Has another man’s hand grazed your hand while waiting in a public restroom?  That’s manttractive.  Ever get a haircut from the only man in the salon and it seems like he’s taking a really long time to wash your hair?  That’s manttractive!  Have you ever stared too long at another man’s ass?  That’s manttractive.

Well, I think that about does it for “Manttractive”.  Good day.

I think I should have been selected to be Cuba’s New President.  I’ve worked hard to be where I am today.  I think it’s important to select someone who has never been to Cuba.  How about a new face in Cuba?  Think about it, a fat white guy as president of Cuba. Think about it.

Seriously though, the list below should be more then enough to convince anyone of my qualifications for President of Cuba.

• I know the difference between right and wrong and I know that two wrongs don’t make a right.

• I’m very experienced with Cuban culture since I really like Cuban sandwiches.

• I’ve smoked a Cuban cigar or two.

• I have seen former President Fidel Castro on TV once or twice.  By the way, he speaks Cuban.

• I can find Cuba on a map, if I look for it.

• I can spell Cuba.  Better yet, I can spell Cuba backwards.

• I can speak enough Spanish to order a beer and find the bathroom.

• I would be willing to help Elián González with his homework.  We would be good friends.  We would give each other high fives and shit.

• I will fart in the face of corruption and intolerance.

I’m obviously more then qualified.  I can speak Spanish.  I can smoke cigars.  I like Cuban sandwiches.    I can’t believe that I wasn’t even considered, bullshit.

Most of you may have thought the Moment with Will as you know it was gone for good. You were wrong, very wrong. You couldn’t have been more wrong then wrong is wrong. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You get the idea.

First off, a lot happened since the Fast Food and Me post on March 6^th. Six months of news passed and I didn’t even comment, Michael Vick and Chris Benoit being on the top of my list. I just don’t think it would be right to comment on the old news.

Today, I thought I would get everyone up to speed. Firstly, I turned 30 and I’m still a douche bag. That ought to sum everything up. Good, we are all up to speed.

Just to comment being 30, my life is moving faster and faster for me. Everyone always told me that once you turn 30 the months become days and so on. I look back at the summer and I can’t believe that it is gone already, since it is already September 13th.

That brings me to my next point; Tuesday marked the 6^th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. A new Osama bin Laden tape has emerged. It disgusts me that Osama bin Llama can still celebrate the hijackers or “martyrs” who killed 2700 people. All the while, we should be embracing Islam. All religion aside, I think this violent approach is ridiculous. Osama bin Laden can embrace our western asses with his lips.

Moving right along, Shawn and Cassy are tying the knot this weekend. Congrats to the both of them. I wish them all the best. Shawn and Cassy are good friends and I’m proud to be part of their special day. Let’s be honest, marriage is a great institution, sort of. It is wonderful having someone in your life that loves you to no end, sort of. It is delightful to see your spouse’s smiling face every morning, sort of. Either way, good luck and I wish all the best.

I hope this post satisfies all your MWW cravings for now. I will have more to follow and be safe. Don’t open any envelopes with white powder in it and don’t forget to buy Forever Stamps. It’s stupid to have to buy 1¢ stamps every time USPS raises the price of stamps. Buy a lot, buy all of them. Don’t do it for me, do it for commerce.

Be kind, rewind.