Moment with Will

This is a random post but I love pulled pork sandwiches. You know pork that is pulled? It’s another form of barbeque. You just cook a shoulder cut of pork for several hours. The cooking process breaks down the connective tissue in the meat until it breaks apart easily.

I can eat that jit all day. People would nickname me “Saucy Lips” because of the everlasting BBQ sauce residue around my lips. Of course, this will never happen because if I did eat pulled pork everyday, I would quickly become 400 pounds.

Now some people may add their two cents to this topic and say that North Carolina is better then the stuff coming out Tennessee. North Carolina pulled-pork is vinegar based and the pulled pork from Tennessee is usually mixed with a tomato based sauce.

Personally I like them both on a nice roll with a pickle. I especially enjoy a pulled pork sandwich when it’s topped with a tangy cole slaw.

Now, I do have some low carb solutions when eating pulled pork. Try eating pulled pork off of someone’s back. Maybe stir it into your favorite mixed drink. How about pulled pork on ice cream? You could eat pulled pork out of a brown paper bag. You could throw pulled pork on your ceiling at home and just it fall into your mouth.

Seriously, pulled pork is awesome. Carry on.

Yes it is true, we had a wing off. We were celebrating Joel’s birthday and thought why not have a wing off. We had three contestants, Amy, Joel, and I. Edguardo was our special guest judge for the event.

The Results:

Grandma Joel’s Wings - Edguardo says, “mmmhhmm.”
Stinky Ceasar Wings - Edguardo says, “they’re actually not that bad.”
Sweet Heat Wings - Edguardo says, “good”.

The Winner: Sweet Heat Wings

I know every year I mention the something about the Winter Holiday Season.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Winter Holiday Season, it can be defined as the time period between Thanksgiving and New Years.I just want to stress the fact that I’m getting fatter thinking about it.  The excitement of random eats excites me.  I wrote poem of glee with that last statement.  Noise here…

The excitement of random eats excites me.
Drinking cider and egg nog makes me pee.
All I wanted this year is a f**kin’ Wii!

That poem came from the heart.  I hope all of you out there enjoyed it.  Being artsy is not as easy as you might think.  It took me five seconds to come up with that poem.  I love myself.

Anyway, the important thing about the holiday season is commerce.  We spend endless amounts of money on gifts, food, booze, hookers, bubble bath, hosiery, S’mores, decorations, candles, trees, etc…  Think about it, we can’t enjoy the holidays without all the extras.  Spending large amounts of money is an unbeknownst tradition.  I couldn’t go a whole year without a Christmas tree and a big slab of meat for Christmas dinner.  That stuff is not cheap.  Let’s be honest, fifty bucks for a tree that is already dead but we will still spend it.  Come on!

The bottom-line is that I want a Wii and I can’t get one because people are buying them all up.  Stop buying the Wii until I get one.  I am jealous of all those kids out there who will be playing Super Mario Galaxy on Christmas Day.  I dislike them a lot.

Buy a t-shirt and remember to Ask Joel.  Happy Holidays.

First off, it’s been a while since my last post.  I know it’s difficult getting through those long days without some commentary from Will.  Of course, everyone is in luck because I thought today would be a great day for me to yammer on about something.

Let’s begin the yammering.  Did you ever get a fast food order that is even close to what you ordered?  A good majority of the  time, I expect that to happen and so should everyone reading.

Now you all maybe thinking, that a-hole is busting on people who work in food food.  No, I’m not.  All I am saying is, get your shit together people who f-up orders.  I said strawberry not chocolate, ass.  People who work in fast food should put themselves in my shoes.  They would expect their order to be right when they get home.  Instead I get home and to my surprise I get cheese on a bun rather then a cheeseburger.  That didn’t really happen but you can understand my frustration.

The other thing is sometimes you don’t even get the stuff you order.  You get home, take in the greasy goodness, open the bag, and say “where the f*** are my fries”.  See that, you haven’t even opened the bag but already they are your fries.  That just burns me up and of course I’m not going to drive all the way back.  What good is that?  I wouldn’t have anything to bitch about.  Meantime, ole dude is back at the restaurant eating my fries.  Damnit!

It’s just not right.  We have to raise up against the fast food f***-ups.  You have to say it proud.  “I don’t want onions on my sandwich.”  You have to be strong in the face of uncertainty.  “I said no mustard and get your finger out of your nose.”

We can all make this world a better place for our kids by ensuring that there aren’t so many f***ed up fast food orders.

Thank you.

I lie awake at night thinking about the days of old, the days of Superman Peanut Butter and Donald Duck Orange Juice. What happened to that stuff? Why would someone want to take away my childhood adventures with food?

Imagine spreading the very nutritious Superman Peanut Butter on a piece of bread. Okay, are you with me so far? Then you grab that delicious piece of peanut butter bread, raise it high in the air, and yell “I am Superman.”  Then you run around the house with that slice of peanut butter bread, flying like Superman.

I don’t think it is weird to be a grown man running around the house holding a slice of peanut butter bread above my head. If I can’t be Superman why can’t my bread.

You may all think it is silly but imagine that your office talent show is tomorrow and still don’t have an act. All you can think of is the snickering from co-workers after your terrible act and then it happens; you drink some of that Donald Duck Orange Juice and now you can talk just like the real Donald Duck. Now imagine the delight of your co-workers when you bust out your most profound Donald Duck impression at the office talent show. Oh, it can happen!

Think about it.

Now, please take this opportunity to comment about your childhood adventures with food. I know someone out there pretended to be R2-D2 while they were eating their C-3PO Cereal.

 Many moons ago, I was in the best shape of my life.  Now, my body has proved the test of time as my protective shell becomes larger and larger like a turtle.  My protective shell is, of course, my gut.  If anyone ever asks about your gut just say it’s your protective shell.

Anyway. I’ve been dieting and it seems to be working so far but I hate the limitations.  I like eating a bowl of cereal before bed or eat a bag of salty chips.  I know losing some weight will make me feel better both physically and mentally but I hate the fact that can’t go out for lunch and get chili dogs.

Instead, I’m eating healthier and counting calories.  I’ve been good about it except when I had to eat Dijon Chicken and green beans for lunch.  There is something about mustard on chicken that is cooked.  It was not good at all.  I couldn’t eat it and I’ve eaten a dog breath freshener.

My goal is too lose twenty pounds before March.  I’m going to stay strong and update you with my progress.

If I’m not fat enough already, the holidays are here. Every year, I tell myself to go easy on the food during the holidays. It never happens and I end up eating like a hog, actually a hog with a sweet ass haircut.

This year has been no different then last. I ate my fair share of food but Thanksgiving is never my nemesis. It is the time between Thanksgiving and New Years.

You know that time when everyone you know has a holiday party to include your employer. You eat, drink, and be merry, way too much. Of course, all the parties have to have cakes and cookies. I can’t resist the taste of baked goods and the holidays are know for baked goods.

Anyway, the point of this post is for general awareness so lets try to keep everyone a little less fat this year.

Try this to start, elect a person responsible for ensuring a modest portion of food is given to each guest. That could be the person carving the ham or turkey. It’s natural for the host to ask the guest to tell them when they have enough food. If they want more, it’s all on them. You did your job.

Be a good host and even consider portion size. You can even adjust the portion size with baked goods. Make or serve the cakes and cookies in smaller sizes. Even try spreading the goodness out over an evening. Don’t put out all of the pieces of cake or cookies out at once.

I’m no expert so if you think my ideas are stupid, I don’t blame you for thinking that.

The thing I love about Thanksgiving is food. I know I should be giving thanks for a fruitful harvest season but I’m not. I love turkey and all the fixings. The meat, the stuffing, the gravy. Could you ask for anything more?  Oh wait, football and a parade.

Some people might enjoy Thanksgiving for the fellowship of family and friends amidst a cozy late autumn afternoon. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Some might even look forward to Thanksgiving as the gateway to the impending winter holiday. Some may even say “the day before Black Friday.”

With any tradition, there always has to be a break from it.  Right? Some might eat soup with the hearty Thanksgiving feast and some might eat a Turducken.

I know you are thinking, what the heck is a Turducken?  Simple, tur for turkey, duc for duck, and ken for chicken.  Basically, it’s a turkey and a chicken holding back the only one of those birds that flies.  THE MIGHTY DUCK, quack.

Anyway, why the sudden demand for the combination of the kings of poultry?  I’m not sure. However, I am sure that it does not sit well with the Bird Rights Activists who think its cruel to stuff a chicken inside a duck and then stuff a duck and a chicken inside a turkey.  It’s just savage.

I’m sure those activists are outraged but just imagine people eating their bacon-covered Turducken and saying, “This ain’t no plain ole Thanksgiving dinner, we got a Turducken, bitches.”

Before I conclude, I’m confident that the Turducken is a layered concoction of poultry deliciousness. Personally, I will not break from Thanksgiving tradition until the creation of porn, better known as potatoes and corn.

That’s all I got for now, Happy Thanksgiving.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turducken

Fried Coke has become the latest artery-clogging hit at US state fairs, local media reports.

The gooey Coke-battered nuggets topped with cola syrup won the “most creative” title at the Texas state fair in Dallas last month. Since then, the deep-fried phenomenon has spread to North Carolina and Arizona.

“We’ve been getting calls from everywhere since we introduced it,” Elizabeth Martin, a spokeswoman for the North Carolina fair, told the Dallas Morning News. “Everyone wants to know where they can get it.”

Fried treats are as big of a draw at state fairs as the rides and prize-winning farm animals. Twinkies, cookies and even pickles are stuck with a stick, dipped in batter and then seared in the deep fryer.

Fried Coke’s inventor, concessionaire Abel Gonzales Jr., is a creative fryer whose experiments have proven popular. Last year he sold 20,000 fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwiches, the Morning News reported. Fried Coke looks to be an even bigger hit: he sold 16,000 cups of the sticky balls in the first two weeks of the fair, which runs through Oct. 22.

Gonzales has also had more success with changing his recipe than Coca Cola did. He reworked the recipe to make the dough less cakey and more spongy so it would soak up more of the cola syrup.

“They were good before, but they are even better now,” Gonzales said.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061016/lf_afp/usfood…

El Cinco de Mayonnaise is a national holiday in Mexico. It celebrates the victory of Mexican board game players against France in a long, drawn-out game of Riskâ„¢, the cause of the conflict.

Beginning in April, 1862, as an argument over whether or not it was better to use mayonnaise or Miracle Whipâ„¢ in an egg salad sandwich, it soon escalated into a full-scale food fight that resulted in the death of 40,000,000 people within the first few hours.

Diplomatic efforts by the President of Mexico, Cinco, and the president of France, Black Jacque Chirac, resulted in a temporary cease-fire and the beginnings of peace talks. These efforts did not go well, and almost resulted in the continuation of the food fight.

Cooler heads prevailed, and it was determined that the most fair way to resolve the dispute was a game of Riskâ„¢. The game itself took over 11 days to complete, with repeated accusations by the French that the dice were loaded.

Mexico prevailed on May 5th, and the French were forced to acknowledge (in writing) the superiority of mayonnaise.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Cinco_de_Mayonnaise